The Secret to Getting Your Kids to Listen to You | Dr Daniel Amen

May 03, 2024 7 Min Video
Parent bonding with his children

A few days ago, I listened to this video by Dr. Daniel Amen. It was an extremely insightful video, providing a great basis for parents to reconnect with their kids and enable parents to understand how to truly bond with their children - by spending time and also being active listeners. I have summarised some of my insights from this video below but do watch this short video. If you are a parent, it will be definitely worth your time.

Key Insights from this Video:

  • Building a close bond with your children is crucial for influencing them in a healthy way.
  • Two things you can do to create this bond with your kids:
  1. Spending 20 mins Special Time
  2. Active Listening

Spending 20 Mins Special Time

  • Parents are spending less time with kids than ever before, contributing to a heightened sense of loneliness among kids and young adults.
  • Spend 20 minutes a day with your kids doing something they'd like to do, without giving commands, questions, or directions. Dr Daniel Amen calls this the 20 mins “Special Time”
  • During this time you need to “Listen way more than you speak.”
  • Schedule 20 minutes of special time with your kids every day, it's like money in the relational bank.

Active Listening

  • Active listening opens up communication and increases connection, protecting the child's mental health.
  • The key to active listening is to “repeat what they say” and then “be silent long enough for them to respond”
  • Just by doing this, your conversation will open up to new dimensions

Video Time Stamps

Spending quality time with your kids, actively listening to them, and setting boundaries can significantly improve your relationship with them and influence their values and behavior.

  • 00:00 Bonding with your kids is crucial for influencing their values and behavior.
  • 00:49 Spend more time with your kids to build better relationships and combat loneliness.
  • 01:37 Spend 20 minutes a day with your kids doing something they like without giving commands or questions.
  • 02:10 Listen more than you speak during special time to get your kids to listen to you.
  • 02:22 Dad learns to connect with daughter by spending quality time with her instead of ignoring her.
  • 02:53 Follow Dr. Amen's advice to improve your relationship with your child in just a few weeks.
  • 03:33 Schedule 20 minutes of special time with your kids every day to build a closer relationship, and practice active listening by repeating back what you hear and staying quiet to encourage them to continue talking.
  • 04:41 Active listening and setting boundaries improve communication and connection with children, leading to better acceptance of rules and standards.
    • Active listening and understanding your child's feelings can improve communication and prevent conflicts.
    • Active listening and setting boundaries will improve communication and connection with your children, leading to better acceptance of rules and standards.

Video Transcript

  • 00:00 Core conversation number three bonding do you want your children or grandchildren to pick your values. Do you want to influence them in a healthy way if so you need to have a close bond with them. When I turned 18 it was 1972. I know it's a long time ago. It was the first time I could vote. My dad told me if I voted for Senator mcover for president. The country would go to hell as I said we didn't have a close relationship and he didn't have much influence over. Me I voted for mover and the country went to hell but it had nothing to do with. Senator.
  • 00:49 McGovern Watergate was a dark time in our history. The point is you have no influence without connection and great relationships require two things time actual physical time. I had very little of that with my dad and active listening which was not his strength. Time. Parents are spending less time with kids than ever before two parent. Working Families are now the norm and digital distractions even when families are together are contributing to a heightened sense of loneliness among kids and young adults how much time are you spending with your kids and grandkids.
  • 01:37 One of my favorite exercises that pays the biggest dividends is special time spend 20 minutes a day with your kids doing something they'd like to do and during that time no commands no questions and no directions. It's just a time to be together not to teach or correct if for example you're playing a game and the child starts to cheat you cheat reframe. Her behavior.
  • 02:10 I see you changed the rules of the game I'll play by your rules. During this time. Listen way more than you speak one of my favorite special time.
  • 02:22 Stories was with Carl the head of a hospital I worked for when I was a young child psychiatrist. He had his daughter Lura later in life and told me that at two she just didn't want to have anything to do with him. He said in a Gruff voice that's normal Right girls just want their mothers that age no Carl I said you are ignoring her which is why she wants her mother do this. Then I told him about special time.
  • 02:53 He said that won't work. He tended to be oppositional and argumentative oh oh great I replied. You hired an idiot do it exactly as I say and your relationship with L will be closer in just a few weeks I am putting you in my schedule to call you in 3 weeks. So get the party started when I called to check up on how things were going 3 weeks later. He said Lara won't leave me alone as soon as I walk in the door. She grabs my leg and she wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me.
  • 03:33 Relationships require time no matter what the child's age you can do this today. Schedule 20 minutes of special time with your kids every day the more you do it the closer you will get. It's like money in the relational bank. Now let's talk about active list. It's a basic skill that's disappearing. People spend their days talking over each other rather than truly listening. When you listen you connect in order to get your children and grandchild to talk with you. You must first show that you're willing to hear what they have to say active. Listening is very simple repeat back what you hear and then stay quiet long enough for the kids to continue talking and listen for the feelings behind the words too.
  • 04:41 Often parents tell kids how to think or feel before they really understand the situation. This cuts off communication and lessens. The chances the child will come to you in the future. Here is an example if my son came home and said I want to have blue hair what would your father have said I know what my dad would have said as long as you live. In this house. You're not going to have blue hair but what does that do it ends the conversation or starts a fight active. Listening teaches you just to repeat back what you hear sounds like you want to have blue hair and be quiet long enough for the child to continue and listen for the feelings behind what he or she says he might say all the kids are wearing their hair. That way I don't know what your father would have said. But I know what mine would have said I don't care what anyone else is doing as long as you live in my house. You are not going to have blue hair if they are going to jump off a bridge are you going to go with it again. This sets up a fight or causes the child to withdraw active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear sounds like you want to be like the other kids. The child might then respond with something like sometimes I feel like I don't fit in maybe changing. The color of my hair will help this is a completely different conversation and likely the one that is more helpful to have by actively listening you open up communication and increase connection which protects the child's mental health now at the end of 30 minutes. If my son still wants to have blue hair. I am likely to say not as long as you live in my house. There are certain standards that are okay and some that are not if I have taken the time to listen. Even when I say no my children are more likely to accept the boundaries time and listening will dramatically improve the bond between you and your kids or grandkids. My grandfather was a great listener.


 


 

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Roshan is the Founder and “Kuli” of the Leaderonomics Group of companies. He believes that everyone can be a leader and "make a dent in the universe," in their own special ways. He is featured on TV, radio and numerous publications sharing the Science of Building Leaders and on leadership development. Follow him at www.roshanthiran.com

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