We Don’t Grow by Avoiding the Heat

I’ve always been fascinated by how steel is made. Think about it for a moment: a material strong enough to hold up stadiums and battleships, yet flexible enough to bend with a skyscraper in the wind. That doesn’t just happen.

So, I took a deeper dive into the process, and the more I learned, the more I realized it’s a powerful metaphor for how we grow as people.

Steel goes through a three-part process that includes heating until it glows, quenching (sudden cooling), and, finally, tempering (reheating the steel at a lower temperature so it keeps its strength without becoming brittle).

Think about that process for a moment as analogous to our own lives.

Most of us don’t like heat: unexpected change, disappointment, loss, pressure, and high expectations with little margin for error. Heat makes us uncomfortable. But I would argue it also builds us. Personal growth almost always begins in the furnace. We don’t learn patience, courage, or humility during the easy seasons of life; we learn them when something stretches us beyond what feels safe or familiar.

Then, for us humans, comes the quench: the moment that locks in the learning. This is our figurative dip in ice-cold water. It might be through a failure that humbles us or feedback we didn’t want (but probably needed to). It could be a decision that didn’t go our way, losing a job, or not winning a promotion. These moments can make us more resolute, and they can push us to be better.

And that’s where tempering comes in. (This step really caught my attention.) Without tempering, steel is prone to cracking under pressure. Know anyone like that? Ever felt like that yourself?

Tempering is the quieter, slower part of the process. It’s the pause after the pressure. It looks like reflection instead of reaction, conversation instead of isolation, and gratitude instead of worry. Tempering doesn’t erase the hard stuff, but it does give meaning to the trial if we are curious enough to learn.

I experienced this early in my career. I took a job I was convinced would take me to the next level. It meant leaving our first home in Brooklyn, New York, a place we loved, with friends we adored. But that was the price of building a career, right?

We got to the new city, and reality hit. We bought a nice new home and ended up stuck with two mortgages that nearly bankrupted us. And at work, I was in way over my head. I was working for good people, but it quickly became apparent I hadn’t chosen wisely in this new role. The role demanded a level of experience, internal support, and market timing that just weren’t there.

Related: Flipping the Script on Your Self-Doubt

My wife was incredible through it all, even as we welcomed our second child. As you can tell, there was a lot happening at once.

No matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t get ahead. Some nights I was in my office straight through to dawn, and I woke up at my desk. I felt trapped in a loop of disappointing my company and myself. The feedback from my bosses stung. I was working harder than I ever had, yet I was falling short. I was tired, defensive, and discouraged.

After a miserable few years, my brother and my wife (my best mentors) both asked me this simple but life-changing question, “What are you learning from all of this?”

That stopped me cold, and the resulting introspection shifted everything. Instead of just being frustrated and exhausted, I started learning.

One answer became clear: I was in the wrong job.

No amount of effort was going to fix that. It was time to regroup. So, we moved back to Brooklyn and started over. It was both the hardest and best decision we ever made. We reconnected with our community, and I rebuilt my career.

And once again, work and home felt aligned.

That was a tempering moment for me, one of many that would come throughout my life. Looking back on the heat (the pressure of the wrong job), the quench (the questions from my wife and brother), and the tempering (my reflection), the whole experience didn’t just make me tougher; it made me better.

I’ve watched people go through similar heat and come out very differently. Some become guarded, rigid, and suspicious; others become steadier, more compassionate, more resilient, and even kinder. The difference is not the challenge they face; it’s whether they take the time to temper what they learn.

Properly tempered, steel holds both strength and flexibility. Properly tempered, people do the same. They can stand firm without becoming brittle. They can lead with conviction without losing empathy. And they can handle pressure when it comes again because they’ve learned how to recover.

Gratitude plays a powerful role here—not because everything is good during these moments, but because something meaningful comes from them. Gratitude helps us better see who supported us during the trial, what we learned, and how we’re stronger after than we were before. It turns survival into wisdom and hardship into learning.

In this life, when we rush from one challenge straight into the next, we might become stronger, but we risk being capable but cold. Tempering slows us just enough to ask better questions:

• What did this teach me?
• Who helped me through it?
• How do I want to show up differently next time?

Growth is about choosing who we want to become because of challenge. Heat will come for all of us. We’ll all face change, disappointment, uncertainty, and more. We don’t get to opt out of that. Everyone has something hard coming for them. Everyone.

What we do get to choose is whether we rush past those moments or pause long enough to learn from them.

When we do, we don’t just get stronger; we get wiser. And in a world that feels hotter and faster every day, people who are both strong and flexible are exactly who their families, friends, and teams need.

So here’s a reflection question: What “heat” has come into your life that ultimately made you better? And how did you temper that experience so it helped you grow rather than become bitter or brittle?

Thank you for supporting our newsletter. It means the world to us. If this resonated, please share it with someone who might need it, and have a great week.

This article was firstly published on Chester Elton's LinkedIn.

For leaders carrying more than their job titles…

Be part of Malaysia Immersion Week 2026!

Join us for an 8-day journey (June 24–July 1, 2026) designed for leaders who want time and space to connect with like-minded business leaders. You’ll gain VIP access to the Malaysia Leadership Summit, engage in masterclasses with global leaders, and experience cultural immersion that offers fresh perspective on yourself and your team.

Claim your early bird spot now!